Trusting is hard to do, especially when you don’t know the outcome or when you can’t see any hope in the situation.
As a child of sexual abuse, I grew up doubting that God really cared about me. The only one I trusted was me. I couldn’t trust the people who were supposed to love and protect me. It seemed no matter where I turned, people either didn’t care or they joined in the abuse.
I tried to fight against the pain and the hurt, but sometimes that was worse than just accepting what happened.
So I created a world I could live in, on the inside. My brain created a safe place to be. That is where I felt in control of my life. No one could get to me there. I became numb to what was happening on the outside. Others called me a loner, day dreamer and rebellious. Little did they know that I was free inside because I felt threatened in their world.
I grew up in church and read the Bible, but I believed it didn’t pertain to me. I felt and was told that everything was my fault. If that was the case, then I was in such sin that even God hated me. At church, I sat by myself, all alone, silent, trying to be invisible, not interacting with anyone. There was a lot of growing to do and a lot of lies to reject.
For six years, God has been trying to help me understand who He really is. He has been so merciful and patient with me.
Slowly I began to trust and talk to people. Trusting didn’t happen right away, but as I volunteered to work in the church office—I began to learn how to trust. Still feeling intimidated, I opened up a little more to the ladies in the office and tested the waters for quite a while. I didn’t want to be hurt by anyone again, so I avoided anyone touching me. Thankfully, I grew beyond that, because their hugs are now so awesome. Living alone, I don’t get the good physical touches, so it helps when I can squeeze one or two at work.
I have even learned to trust the men in the office. I enjoy the times that I am listened to and not treated like an idiot. In my home, the men either put us down verbally or used us. At church, I feel respected by the men and women. This is a huge difference for me.
Because of everyone God has placed in my life, I have learned to trust Him. I no longer think of myself as a throw-away. Now I believe that Jesus’ love is real. He loves me and calls me His princess. I know now that I am special to Jesus and that all the times I was hurt, He held me in His arms and cried with me. He rocked me and nurtured me when no one else would.
I don’t always make the best choices. So do I put a big “Failure” sign on my head, or do I pick myself up and try again? I choose to get up again and give my heart to Jesus. This is a daily commitment for me.
In time, I will learn to trust with all my heart. Maybe someday there will be a second chapter. Until then, I will stand on the promises of God, my Savior.
– a GateWay Woman
That was a very brave thing to do, to share your pain as well as the victory you have experienced in Christ and through His followers. I honestly can’t imagine what you have endured, but I am grateful to our loving, Living God, who has brought you out of slavery into the fullness of His joy. Praise God for His love and His faithfulness to you.
Thanks, Andy, for your comment. I will be sending it to the woman who wrote this post – as an encouragement to her.