Return to Joy

After thirteen years, the poem copied below still brings a smile to my heart, evidence of the healing I’ve found in God. It is written from the perspective of an unborn baby, the first baby I carried in my womb and the first baby who died in my womb.

With my first miscarriage in February of 1998, I became deeply depressed. Three days later I attended church and the first song we sang was “Ode to Joy.” I couldn’t sing it, because I cried the whole way through. My doctor did not understand the emotional extremes from my hormones, but God understood.

My Lord stayed by my side and whispered tenderly to me. Like a toddler, I repeatedly wandered off, but only because I knew He would be right by my side when I needed Him. When I spoke angrily to Him, He responded with firm reassurance and loving-kindness. On days when I was able to accept His Word for me, poetry or Bible study materials flowed onto paper.

That miscarriage experience was unforgettable, not because of the pain involved, but because of the Comforter by my side. Not because of the anxiety and insecurity, but because of the Rock my foot rested on. My loving Redeemer made it easy to ask for healing and a return to joy.

This poem was inspired by Philippians 1:21, “To me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” This was how I was able to accept that my baby was dead, even though I was still alive. In this verse, the apostle Paul struggled with competing desires. He wanted to stay alive so he could continue to help people and do God’s work here on earth. He also eagerly wanted heaven with all its glory, majesty and the absence of sin. Whether alive or dead, we are within God’s will and participating in His good plan for us. This verse healed my heart, so that I was able to find joy in the middle of the mess. As I rejoiced that my baby could see Jesus, peace found its way back into my life.

Oh Boy!

You came down to me
You gave me a choice.
I chose to be free
And You paid the price.

You took me from the world
Forever in the sky
Oh, never to be held
Or even to say goodbye.

My sadness was replaced
With all hope, love and joy
And just seeing Your face
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

~ submitted by Patti Works, GateWay of Hope Volunteer

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